Ill Health
I have been hit hard this last week with a nasty virus. It was a reminder that, although I feel on top of things at the best of times, I still suffer from mental health issues. As a recovering alcoholic I understand that a successful recovery has no end. Recovery is constant and has no cure other than abstinence. Before I quit ‘drinking’ I was diagnosed with Major Depression, or severe clinical depression, which was most likely caused by my excessive alcohol and drug abuse when I was younger. Alcohol and drugs are themselves depressants.
When I arrived at the Bethany Christian Centre, the rehab that got me back on my feet, the antidepressants I had been prescribed started to work. I had previously just drank while taking the meds. I did feel on top of the world! When I started enjoying life it was very hard to say no to anything. I had come so close to losing my life that I lapped up any and every opportunity that came my way. It wasn’t long before I realised that I had limits, and if I pushed myself passed these limits I got very very ill.
I didn’t have the mental strength to cope with exhaustion the same way I did when I was younger. My depression plummeted and I needed some real time to relax, recover, and re-energise. I had to cut everything in half that I was involved in. In the years from then to now I have come to realise that I do need to recover from times of stress and heavy work or gigs. Tis no biggy, and my family are very supportive.
When I got struck down this week by a particularly nasty virus my depression fell through the floor. I had a bad fever over 2 nights which made my dreams very vivid. I dreamt I was drinking again and had relapsed. Earlier in the day I had a bottle of J20 which I understood is only fruit juice. I was so convinced that I had been drinking that I scoured the internet to find proof that J20 was alcoholic, much to the distress of my wife as I was having a bit of a manic phase.
I still have nightmares when I sleep. Not all the time but I do have them, and they are all about relapsing, drinking, and the psychological damage I know it could cause if it were a reality. I was very scared because the dreams were so real. I also felt very shaken up and started to get very paranoid about my health. My wife was a great help. She knows what I get like when I’m down.
So it would appear that I still get very mentally unstable when I’m ill. The last week was not nice. I’ll have to work harder at staying well and healthy me thinks. I’m on the mend. Happy thoughts!!
2 comments
Hi Steph. hope you are feeling better now. And you are amazing with the help of Jane and the kids. You and Jane have been not thinking about yourselves but about Keira and her mum and dad. God Bless I wish I had youre faith!! Liz. Dj Sis
Thanks Liz. I met Dave today and, although he looked absolutely exhausted, he was doing great! I’m a firm believer that God constantly tests us in order to equip and strengthen us before we are given more responsibility in Heaven. We have a choice because He gave us a choice. Either commit our burdens to the Lord and trust him, leave whatever problems that are to big for us in His hands, or give up. I believe He wants us to realise that there are some things in life too difficult for us to cope with, and that we must take these things to Him; to the foot of the Cross. We suffer because he suffered for us. Nothing is too big for Him to deal with. It is in this humility that I have found strength and, indeed, hope (Romans 5:1-5). Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from perfect, and sometimes there are days when I really cant cope.
The Lord is always there to listen when we pray. I realise that now after everyone coming together to pray for Keira. His love and patience are limitless, and He always wants to hear what you have to say when you pray. You don’t have to ‘wish’ to have faith in Christ. Just ask Him with a humble and seeking heart and He will answer you! It might not be the answer you want, but I know He’ll give you exactly what you need!
Hope that helps.
Blessings in Him
Steph